What Forgiveness Really Means (and What It Doesn’t)

By Steve Huber
Foreward by Josh Bundy

A Story of Church Conflict and Seeking Forgiveness
 

Josh Bundy: So the time that I was pretty offended by someone, I had worked with another leader in ministry for about a decade, and this was actually our lead minister and my supervisor. And within a very short order, uh, he decided to plan a church about five miles away, and he took a couple staff members and a bunch of high level volunteers with them and a number of church members, and it was just very disruptive to our community. Um, and it made a lot of work for the rest of us. And it was really hard to deal with some of the obstacles just had to be overcome by internally, like in the church, we had to make new plans and new arrangements for who would lead what. But with with the individual. I ended up having a couple of lunches with him at one of his favorite local restaurants, a place he called like a greasy spoon. It was like great cheeseburgers, and we could sit there and talk for a while about the choices that he'd made and what went into making the decision. Now, um, in the end, uh, I think that that helped some. It helped to have human contact and conversation to forgiveness, a greater peace for me. Um, I needed to be able to hear what was going on in this other person's life and in their mind. Um, I think a sense that I had kind of done my part, uh, that, um, you know, he was responsible for his choices and what he decided to do. And I was only responsible for the things that I could do and how I helped our church and our team. Um, but also, there was some sense of love to like. There's things in this person, even in the choices I disagreed with, that I could say I admired some of the vision, and I admired some of his, uh, desires for what he thought the church should be and what he wanted to see happen in churches. And so having those conversations, just like real human interaction, I was able to say, I love you, I appreciate you, I see good in what you want. And I would have done a lot of this differently, and maybe in a way that was less disruptive. So that gave me peace. 

So the time that I was pretty offended by someone, I had worked with another leader in ministry for about a decade, and this was actually our lead minister and my supervisor. And within a very short order, uh, he decided to plan a church about five miles away, and he took a couple staff members and a bunch of high level volunteers with them and a number of church members, and it was just very disruptive to our community and it made a lot of work for the rest of us. And it was really hard to deal with some of the obstacles just had to be overcome by internally, like in the church, we had to make new plans and new arrangements for who would lead what.

But with with the individual. I ended up having a couple of lunches with him at one of his favorite local restaurants, a place he called like a greasy spoon. It was like great cheeseburgers, and we could sit there and talk for a while about the choices that he'd made and what went into making the decision. Now, um, in the end, uh, I think that that helped some. It helped to have human contact and conversation to forgiveness, a greater peace for me.  I needed to be able to hear what was going on in this other person's life and in their mind. I think a sense that I had kind of done my part, that, you know, he was responsible for his choices and what he decided to do. And I was only responsible for the things that I could do and how I helped our church and our team but also, there was some sense of love to like. There's things in this person, even in the choices I disagreed with, that I could say I admired some of the vision, and I admired some of his, desires for what he thought the church should be and what he wanted to see happen in churches.

And so having those conversations, just like real human interaction, I was able to say, I love you, I appreciate you, I see good in what you want. And I would have done a lot of this differently, and maybe in a way that was less disruptive. So that gave me peace. 

A Current, Real-Life Example of Forgiveness
 

Steve Huber: Amen. Let's thank pastor Josh for sharing that story. This is the second week of a series on forgiveness. And a few weeks ago, there was another startling example of forgiveness. Erica Kirk. Charlie Kirk's widow at the memorial said, quote, my husband Charlie, he wanted to save young men just like the one who took his life. That young man, that young man, on the cross, our Savior said, father, forgive them, for they know not what they do. That man, that young man, I forgive him. I forgive him because it was what Christ did. That's what Charlie would do. The answer to hate is not hate. The answer we know from the gospel is love and always love. Love for our enemies and love for those who persecute us. And her quote went viral. And we actually, if you're curious about how we prayed through that whole situation and praying for our whole country and both sides of the aisle, and against political violence on both sides of the aisle, you can look up, that prayer time that I led us through a few weeks ago.

Later, during the memorial, after that startling example of forgiveness, there is another example of a response. President Trump stood up and admitted, Charlie, you know, had a noble spirit, a, quote, great, great purpose. He did not hate his opponents. He wanted the best for them. And then Trump said, that's where I disagreed with Charlie. I hate my opponent and I don't want the best for them. And he added, I'm sorry, Erica. And he kind of tried to make it a joke. The audience had cheered for Erica Kirk when she had pronounced, according to Christ's example, forgiveness. They also strangely cheered for Trump when he said, I hate my enemies and I don't want the best for them.

You can't cheer for both things... You can't cheer for both things. 

Biblical Teaching on Forgiveness: Lessons from Paul’s Letter to the Ephesians

We learned last week, according to Jesus Christ, the Son of God, that a lack of forgiveness is not okay. So I fear for any person, whether they're a president or a plumber, who says, I'm going to hate the people that are wrong. Me, I don't want bets for them. So I fear for any person who says that. It's also really bad for the world. Last week we started by looking at what Jesus said about forgiveness, and it's challenging. Peter thought he was a hero. Hey, Jesus. Seven times. What if I forgive people who sin against me seven times and Jesus says seventy seven times? And it's the symbolic number. Doesn't mean you get to walk around with a clicker. Okay? Fifty seven fifty eight it's a symbolic number meaning endless forgiveness. And there's a connection we saw between the forgiveness God requires and the forgiveness God gives. The forgiveness God requires. God tells us to forgive, and God gives us forgiveness and forgive. Forgiven people.

According to Jesus, forgiven people who've been forgiven have resources. Power can be given power to extend forgiveness. This is elsewhere in the Scripture. We're going to look at the church in Ephesus this morning and the Apostle Paul, he opens up. This isn't on the screen. I'm just going to tell you about it. He just. There's this run on sentence at the beginning where the apostle Paul, it's like his heart exploded and he's levitating or something. He just goes on and on. Scholars have said there's not a sentence like this in ancient Greek literature. It just goes on and on. And what he's riffing on, he's riffing on all the blessings that we have in Jesus. God and his grace is giving you in grace. We didn't deserve it. I didn't deserve it. You didn't deserve it. But God has given us all this grace, and one of those blessings is the forgiveness of our trespasses. Verse seven. According to the riches of his grace which he lavished on us. Listen to the language. What kind of forgiveness have we been given? There's riches of forgiveness. It's been lavished on us. It's just been poured out on us. We have infinite dump trucks of forgiveness given to us by God. And so when it comes time, the time comes for us to dole out forgiveness. Don't get out your little baby spoon. Okay. Because we've been lavished with forgiveness. And then later on, he's reminding. Hey, there's a new calling in relationships. I'm going to read this whole paragraph, verse by verse, and it's it's about the new calling we have in relationships with each other. So I'm going to start in chapter four verse twenty five. He's now talking about, hey, since we've been given all this grace and had this grace lavished on us, how are we supposed to call? How are we? How are we to live? How do we live out this calling as Christians? And I'm just going to do this section verse by verse, verse twenty five. Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another. Striking reasoning he doesn't say lying is wrong. That's understood. He doesn't say that could get you in trouble, which of course it could. He says, hey, he's speaking to the church. Your members, one of another. In Jesus. You've been made part of a body. You have different gifts. You need each other. It's dangerous to lie to yourself, right? Why would you lie to one another? Your members, one of another.

Then he says, look, be angry and do not sin. Do not let the sun go down on your anger and give no opportunity for the devil. If you're alive, if you can fog a mirror, you will be angry. Sometimes in this broken world. Jesus is angry. Jesus is angry at injustice. Jesus is wrong when people aren't treated the way they should be treated. You will get angry. It's possible to be angry and not sin, but it's very tempting often to with anger that has some good in it and good anger can go dark. And even if the cause is right, we can sinfully act out in anger. So be angry. Do not sin. Do not let the sun go down on your anger. What's that about? It's about nursing a grudge. And you? You know this. It's the kind of anger where you're like. The more you thinking about it, you're just getting angrier and angrier. Instead of, like, talking yourself off the ledge and keeping your anger in a constructive place and doing the right thing with anger, going to God, maybe going to the other person. You're just like feeding it. You're letting the sun go down on it.

What's that about? It's a grudge. So he says, don't do that. Don't let the sun go down. Your anger give no opportunity to the devil. Next verse. Let the thief no longer steal. But rather let him labor, doing honest work with his own hands that he may have something to share with anyone in need. So the audience includes some newer Christians and he's like, hey, how about get a job, don't steal anymore? That's it. He doesn't say that because that's wrong, which it obviously is. But there's a new motivation of love because he's like, you're going to be if you get a job, you'll be able to give. You'll be able to give and bless people in need. Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths. Verse twenty nine. But such as is good for building up as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. What's corrupting mean? It means talk that ruins talk that brings down talk that corrupts it, ruins it, messes it up. Our speech in anger can be a way to lash out at people, can be a way to corrupt the reputation or get back at them.

He says, instead, use your words to lift people up. Instead of bring them down, lift them up. Building up that it may give grace to those who hear. Let your words be seasoned with the salt of love and kindness. That's what kind of speech we're called to. And then the next verse says, and do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you are sealed for the day of redemption. So and folks, this this is how it works if you're exploring Christianity. So the scriptures teach that when you come to Jesus, when you believe in Jesus, God has started a work in you. His Holy Spirit is in you as a good deposit, guaranteeing your destiny even through death. And so the Holy Spirit is inside you in a way that the Holy Spirit, he is not in others. And so he's saying, hey, here's a new motivation. You haven't thought about to like, struggle against sin and fight sin. Swing with two fists. Don't grieve the Holy Spirit that's within you. Don't grieve the Holy Spirit. How could we do that? Well, think about this next verse. And these are forgiveness killers, okay? These are forgiveness enemies. Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. That's what grieves the Holy Spirit. And just think of these as the enemies of forgiveness. Forgiveness killers. Bitterness is saying, nope, I'm not going to forgive. I'm going to stay bitter. Maybe feed bitterness wrath. That's like a sinful anger. In the context of this letter, that's anger that's gone dark. Anger, clamor and slander. That stuff we do with the mouse clamor is the drama that happens when someone drops a hate grenade. And just like I'm going to say these evil things about these other people, I'm going to mix it up. I'm going to gossip. I'm going to slander. Slander is saying stuff, saying bad stuff about people because you want to hurt them. Slander is attacking someone's reputation. It's saying, oh, did you know this? Oh, did you hear about this? Oh, you brought up this person. Do you know this? This this slander Lander is gossip. It's using your mouth to tear people down. And it makes a mess. And it's an enemy of forgiveness.

Now, as Mike shared. Tim Keller wrote a book on forgiveness. I'm using that book as one of the resources for these series, and some of what I'm going to suggest to you are signs that you have some work to do. I'm going to give you this illustration. You know how your car, the dashboard has some warning lights and you know if that light's on. Oh, my air pressure. This light's on. I need to change the oil. Here's some lights that if you see the lights on the dashboard of your heart, you need to pop the hood and look at what's underneath and look at your heart. Okay. Six warning lights about a lack of forgiveness. First, warning light on the dashboard of your heart. When a certain someone's name come up, you find yourself immediately saying things under your breath like, all you have to do is you hear their name and you just start going dark. Maybe you're silently, like, cursing to yourself. You're just like that person.

Second inward. Like inwardly just rolling your eyes when you see them. You're such a jerk. Look at you. You're a mess. When those warning lights are on the dashboard. Hey, it's time actually to do some hard work. There's some forgiveness work that you're being called to. Third thing, they easily irritate you. Someone else could be doing the same thing. They could have the same expression, you know, on their face. But because there's forgiveness work that you're actually avoiding, all they have to do is sit there with their normal face and you're inwardly like, look at you in your face. Okay, that's a warning sign. You're easily irritated. Fourth warning sign coldness in the relationship. And maybe you're just kind of flat when you meet them. Hey. All right. I'm gonna extend myself. Not at all. Maybe you actually avoid them. You're like, I don't have to walk down that hall. I could, like, go outside the building, trek through the woods and go in the front door. You know, you actually avoid them. That's the sign. Okay. There's some work to do. Coldness in the relationship.

Fifth sign. This one's dark. You hear something sad or bad happen to them. And you enjoy hearing about that. Like, oh, they got what you think was coming to them as if you're God and you're glad when something hard has happened to them. That's really dark. That's a sign.

Six sign. You get a chance to say something bad about the person, and you do that like someone sets the ball and, you know, like in volleyball, someone sets the ball, hey, this person, there's this situation and you just leap up in the air and you're like, over the net and you're like, slander. Did you know about this? This and this. You try to hurt the reputation.

Those are warning signs—emergency warning signs that there's forgiveness work to do. And that's what the apostle Paul is leading up to. And these,  –, these last verses, which I'm going to read starting at the end of chapter four. So given those forgiveness killers, those enemies of forgiveness, instead do this verse thirty two, be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. Therefore be imitators of God as beloved children, and walk in love as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. 

Biblical Teaching on Forgiveness: Lessons from Paul’s Letter to the Ephesians

We learned last week, according to Jesus Christ, the Son of God, that a lack of forgiveness is not okay. So I fear for any person, whether they're a president or a plumber, who says, I'm going to hate the people that are wrong. Me, I don't want bets for them. So I fear for any person who says that. It's also really bad for the world. Last week we started by looking at what Jesus said about forgiveness, and it's challenging. Peter thought he was a hero. Hey, Jesus. Seven times. What if I forgive people who sin against me seven times and Jesus says seventy seven times? And it's the symbolic number. Doesn't mean you get to walk around with a clicker. Okay? Fifty seven fifty eight it's a symbolic number meaning endless forgiveness. And there's a connection we saw between the forgiveness God requires and the forgiveness God gives. The forgiveness God requires. God tells us to forgive, and God gives us forgiveness and forgive. Forgiven people.

According to Jesus, forgiven people who've been forgiven have resources. Power can be given power to extend forgiveness. This is elsewhere in the Scripture. We're going to look at the church in Ephesus this morning and the Apostle Paul, he opens up. This isn't on the screen. I'm just going to tell you about it. He just. There's this run on sentence at the beginning where the apostle Paul, it's like his heart exploded and he's levitating or something. He just goes on and on. Scholars have said there's not a sentence like this in ancient Greek literature. It just goes on and on. And what he's riffing on, he's riffing on all the blessings that we have in Jesus. God and his grace is giving you in grace. We didn't deserve it. I didn't deserve it. You didn't deserve it. But God has given us all this grace, and one of those blessings is the forgiveness of our trespasses. Verse seven. According to the riches of his grace which he lavished on us. Listen to the language. What kind of forgiveness have we been given? There's riches of forgiveness. It's been lavished on us. It's just been poured out on us. We have infinite dump trucks of forgiveness given to us by God. And so when it comes time, the time comes for us to dole out forgiveness. Don't get out your little baby spoon. Okay. Because we've been lavished with forgiveness. And then later on, he's reminding. Hey, there's a new calling in relationships. I'm going to read this whole paragraph, verse by verse, and it's it's about the new calling we have in relationships with each other. So I'm going to start in chapter four verse twenty five. He's now talking about, hey, since we've been given all this grace and had this grace lavished on us, how are we supposed to call? How are we? How are we to live? How do we live out this calling as Christians? And I'm just going to do this section verse by verse, verse twenty five. Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another. Striking reasoning he doesn't say lying is wrong. That's understood. He doesn't say that could get you in trouble, which of course it could. He says, hey, he's speaking to the church. Your members, one of another. In Jesus. You've been made part of a body. You have different gifts. You need each other. It's dangerous to lie to yourself, right? Why would you lie to one another? Your members, one of another.

Then he says, look, be angry and do not sin. Do not let the sun go down on your anger and give no opportunity for the devil. If you're alive, if you can fog a mirror, you will be angry. Sometimes in this broken world. Jesus is angry. Jesus is angry at injustice. Jesus is wrong when people aren't treated the way they should be treated. You will get angry. It's possible to be angry and not sin, but it's very tempting often to with anger that has some good in it and good anger can go dark. And even if the cause is right, we can sinfully act out in anger. So be angry. Do not sin. Do not let the sun go down on your anger. What's that about? It's about nursing a grudge. And you? You know this. It's the kind of anger where you're like. The more you thinking about it, you're just getting angrier and angrier. Instead of, like, talking yourself off the ledge and keeping your anger in a constructive place and doing the right thing with anger, going to God, maybe going to the other person. You're just like feeding it. You're letting the sun go down on it.

What's that about? It's a grudge. So he says, don't do that. Don't let the sun go down. Your anger give no opportunity to the devil. Next verse. Let the thief no longer steal. But rather let him labor, doing honest work with his own hands that he may have something to share with anyone in need. So the audience includes some newer Christians and he's like, hey, how about get a job, don't steal anymore? That's it. He doesn't say that because that's wrong, which it obviously is. But there's a new motivation of love because he's like, you're going to be if you get a job, you'll be able to give. You'll be able to give and bless people in need. Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths. Verse twenty nine. But such as is good for building up as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. What's corrupting mean? It means talk that ruins talk that brings down talk that corrupts it, ruins it, messes it up. Our speech in anger can be a way to lash out at people, can be a way to corrupt the reputation or get back at them.

He says, instead, use your words to lift people up. Instead of bring them down, lift them up. Building up that it may give grace to those who hear. Let your words be seasoned with the salt of love and kindness. That's what kind of speech we're called to. And then the next verse says, and do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you are sealed for the day of redemption. So and folks, this this is how it works if you're exploring Christianity. So the scriptures teach that when you come to Jesus, when you believe in Jesus, God has started a work in you. His Holy Spirit is in you as a good deposit, guaranteeing your destiny even through death. And so the Holy Spirit is inside you in a way that the Holy Spirit, he is not in others. And so he's saying, hey, here's a new motivation. You haven't thought about to like, struggle against sin and fight sin. Swing with two fists. Don't grieve the Holy Spirit that's within you. Don't grieve the Holy Spirit. How could we do that? Well, think about this next verse. And these are forgiveness killers, okay? These are forgiveness enemies. Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. That's what grieves the Holy Spirit. And just think of these as the enemies of forgiveness. Forgiveness killers. Bitterness is saying, nope, I'm not going to forgive. I'm going to stay bitter. Maybe feed bitterness wrath. That's like a sinful anger. In the context of this letter, that's anger that's gone dark. Anger, clamor and slander. That stuff we do with the mouse clamor is the drama that happens when someone drops a hate grenade. And just like I'm going to say these evil things about these other people, I'm going to mix it up. I'm going to gossip. I'm going to slander. Slander is saying stuff, saying bad stuff about people because you want to hurt them. Slander is attacking someone's reputation. It's saying, oh, did you know this? Oh, did you hear about this? Oh, you brought up this person. Do you know this? This this slander Lander is gossip. It's using your mouth to tear people down. And it makes a mess. And it's an enemy of forgiveness.

6 Warning Signs of Unforgiveness in the Heart

Now, as Mike shared. Tim Keller wrote a book on forgiveness. I'm using that book as one of the resources for these series, and some of what I'm going to suggest to you are signs that you have some work to do. I'm going to give you this illustration. You know how your car, the dashboard has some warning lights and you know if that light's on. Oh, my air pressure. This light's on. I need to change the oil. Here's some lights that if you see the lights on the dashboard of your heart, you need to pop the hood and look at what's underneath and look at your heart. Okay. Six warning lights about a lack of forgiveness. First, warning light on the dashboard of your heart. When a certain someone's name come up, you find yourself immediately saying things under your breath like, all you have to do is you hear their name and you just start going dark. Maybe you're silently, like, cursing to yourself. You're just like that person.

Second inward. Like inwardly just rolling your eyes when you see them. You're such a jerk. Look at you. You're a mess. When those warning lights are on the dashboard. Hey, it's time actually to do some hard work. There's some forgiveness work that you're being called to. Third thing, they easily irritate you. Someone else could be doing the same thing. They could have the same expression, you know, on their face. But because there's forgiveness work that you're actually avoiding, all they have to do is sit there with their normal face and you're inwardly like, look at you in your face. Okay, that's a warning sign. You're easily irritated. Fourth warning sign coldness in the relationship. And maybe you're just kind of flat when you meet them. Hey. All right. I'm gonna extend myself. Not at all. Maybe you actually avoid them. You're like, I don't have to walk down that hall. I could, like, go outside the building, trek through the woods and go in the front door. You know, you actually avoid them. That's the sign. Okay. There's some work to do. Coldness in the relationship.

Fifth sign. This one's dark. You hear something sad or bad happen to them. And you enjoy hearing about that. Like, oh, they got what you think was coming to them as if you're God and you're glad when something hard has happened to them. That's really dark. That's a sign.

Six sign. You get a chance to say something bad about the person, and you do that like someone sets the ball and, you know, like in volleyball, someone sets the ball, hey, this person, there's this situation and you just leap up in the air and you're like, over the net and you're like, slander. Did you know about this? This and this. You try to hurt the reputation.

Those are warning signs—emergency warning signs that there's forgiveness work to do. And that's what the apostle Paul is leading up to. And these,  –, these last verses, which I'm going to read starting at the end of chapter four. So given those forgiveness killers, those enemies of forgiveness, instead do this verse thirty two, be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. Therefore be imitators of God as beloved children, and walk in love as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. 

Practical Steps: What Forgiveness Really Is

And that's what the apostle Paul is leading up to. And these,  –, these last verses, which I'm going to read starting at the end of chapter four. So given those forgiveness killers, those enemies of forgiveness, instead do this verse thirty two, be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. Therefore be imitators of God as beloved children, and walk in love as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. 

Now look at the logic here. Be kind and tenderhearted. What's that? The opposite of mean and hardhearted. Be kind and tenderhearted. What's the logic? Forgive one another as God in Christ forgave you. Always stay in touch with how God has forgiven you. Don't forget that. Don't let that become dull. News O your sins this morning, your sins this weekend. God in Christ in grace has lavished us in grace, and yes, calls us to extend what we have received. The logic is give out what you have received and this is imitating God. Walk in love. It's this ancient idiom. This is how ancient Greek works. A walk is a lifestyle, so some translations will even translate it. Live a lifestyle of love. Because what this means is an ongoing practice, a lifestyle, a walk of love which is imitating God who's loved you in Jesus because of how God has loved you. And Jesus will walk that out. Make that your lifestyle. Because of how Jesus has loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God, a clear call to forgive. And it's fueled by and patterned after the forgiveness that we have received. So here's the rest of the sermon. We're going to talk about what forgiveness is, what it's not, and what some next steps could be. Okay. What forgiveness is five things really practically five things that forgiveness is. 

Forgiveness is Absorbing the Debt

First thing that forgiveness is forgiveness is absorbing the debt. Absorbing the debt. Imagine someone intentionally breaks your only chair. You would have to pay to get another chair or pay by dealing with the discomfort of sitting awkwardly on the floor. Either way, you're paying for it. You're either paying for it with your money, right? If you chose to forgive or you're paying with it with the discomfort of not having a chair sitting on the floor.

Forgiveness is paying the debt yourself. Which is why Tim Keller, in his book, calls it a form of voluntary suffering. When we forgive, we have lost something. Okay, when you're sinned against you do lose something, which is why you have the feeling that this person owes. This person owes you something. It's because they actually did do something and you lost either peace, health, reputation, money being pain free. You maybe lost friends or relationships. You lost something. And forgiveness is the choice to pay that debt yourself rather than making the other person pay. The language of cancelling a debt. This is the Bible's language when it comes to forgiveness.

So last week I read this verse in Colossians two God has made us alive together with him, with Christ. So verse thirteen and fourteen of chapter two in Colossians. Having forgiven us all our trespasses by canceling the record of debt that stood against us with its legal demands. This he set aside, nailing it to the cross. So God forgave everything. Think about this. God forgave everything. He cancelled the debt. Notice that went up against the cross. The debt notice got nailed to the cross. It's paid for. It's gone. Jesus suffered for us and paid the debt. Have you ever had a bill? That's just awful. I remember when I finally paid off my student loan and I took a picture of it, and I had it. It's like paid in full and I like I just want to remember this. Okay. Gen Z folks, we're sorry that the loans are crazy. You know, it's different.

Canceling the debt and having the debt gone is like the Bible's language of what God has done for us in Jesus our past, due notice of something we could have never paid off and never get ahead of and never atoned for, never make up, never worked out on our own that got nailed to Jesus's cross. And the Bible says, and it's gone. God paid the debt. It's absorbing the debt. So yes, forgiveness is costly. It's what God did for us in Jesus. He paid the debt, and we're also called to forgive and pay the debt for others. And that's what you do when you obey Jesus to forgive. You're absorbing the debt. 

Forgiveness is Laying Down the Right to Get Revenge

The second thing that forgiveness is. Here's what this means. It means laying down the right to get them back. It means sticking with the decision of not making them pay. You can make them. You can make someone pay by hurting them, right? Attacking them, attacking them, physically, attacking the reputation. Say, hey, I'm you're like, don't want to get in trouble. You're not going to attack them physically. But you're like, I'm you're not going to have the friends you used to have. That's a way to make them pay. And forgiveness means laying that down. Forgiveness means not making them pay by hating them. And you're like, look, I'm not going to do anything outwardly, but inwardly I'm going to make you pay because I am going to hate you so much. And it's a dark choice in forgiveness. Absorbing the debt means laying that down also at the cross of Jesus. Jesus didn't make us pay and it's wrong To make other people pay like that. 

Forgiveness is Forgiving for God’s Sake

Third thing, the forgiveness is Christian. Forgiveness is forgiving, for God's sake. And I'm talking about gospel forgiveness, okay? I'm talking about particular Christian forgiveness. Even people who don't believe often will say, hey, it's better to forgive. And actually, it's one of the ways that Christianity has influenced the world in the West. Even people that aren't like believers in Jesus say like, hey, it's actually helpful to forgive. It's good for you, and it is good for your sanity. It's good for your peace. It's good for your own inner calm. But forgiving people for those reasons. And look, um, choosing not to forgive is dangerous in all different kinds of ways. But Christian forgiveness is forgiving, for God's sake, not just for your own sake. And I'm just reminding us, like the ultimate Christian reason to forgive is because you have been forgiven by God, and you need to be forgiven by God. That's Christian forgiveness. And there's a there's a therapeutic model. Tim Keller and all the others have pointed out the therapeutic model of forgiveness, which in this cultural moment, with our this growing individualism and acting as if the only values that exist in the world are the ones that we happen to make up, the ones we happen to do. People can see, hey, it's actually hating this person or holding this grudge is bad for my peace. It's bad for my stress. It's bad for my sanity. It's bad for my anxiety. So I'm going to choose for my own sake to forgive. That's better than openly hating. But Christian forgiveness is doing that, for God's sake. And I just want to remind us we all live before the face of God. We live before the eyes of God. The old Latin way to say this is coram Deo before the face of God. And there's a Christian call to forgive, for God's sake, because of who God is. And it's God centered. And that's what Christian forgiveness is.

Forgiveness is Both a Decision and a Process

Fourthly, what is forgiveness? Forgiveness is a decision and a process. And I wanted to say those things together. It's both those things. It's a decision and a process. Here's what I mean by that. Forgiveness is often granted before you feel it. You have to decide to do it. You're like, and sometimes this is what it's like. I don't want to, but I know it's the right thing to do. I don't want to, but I know God calls me to it, and you have to pray through it. And God give me grace to forgive and decide to do it, and to choose not to lash out inwardly or outwardly. And often you have to make the decision before you feel it, Lift before you catch up. Emotionally, and sometimes in life, you have to go through the steps again and again and again. And maybe it's like, oh, I thought about what that person did and how bad it hurt and how much it ruined things that I care about. And you have to say in the moment, God forgive me for my bitterness. Forget I'm moving towards business bitterness right now. God help me. Forgive me for that, God, and you receive that fresh grace and walk through the steps again. Remember how you have been forgiven. You know how the internet browser, like the the website starts, stops responding. You have to hit refresh. Christians, we need to hit refresh on forgiveness every day. And just like God wants us to know that we're forgiven. God wants us to know the sins of this morning, the sins of this weekend, the sins of this past year. We're forgiven. And to know the comfort and peace of that and go back of that and breathe that in. So we breathe out forgiveness. And sometimes and this is the process part. Sometimes the healing takes a long, long time. Um, I have a friend who's had lifelong back pain because of an accident caused by a person's carelessness, a mistake, the carelessness, the thoughtlessness of another person. And she explained what seventy seven times means. Jesus gives this symbolic hey, forgive seventy seven times again and again. She's like, As I'm sitting on this chair, we're having this conversation about forgiveness. Pain was shooting up her legs and throughout her body because of her injured back. And she said, I think Jesus said that because every time when I think of what this person did and the pain I live with day to day, early on, and for the first years, I would rehearse the steps. I remember God's forgiveness of me, I would pray blessing over them. I would choose not to curse him. I would have to again ask God to help me. I would have to again confess that there's part of me that wants revenge, that you just walk yourself through the steps. And yes, it's a process and yes, a decision. It's both those things. Forgiveness. Forgiveness is a decision and a process. 

Forgiveness is Transformative

The last thing I want to say. Fifth thing about forgiveness. It's vital. It's beautiful. It's transformative. I almost wanted to call this point forgiveness is magic. Like we need this vitally daily. And it works. Beautiful magic on the world. So Dietrich Bonhoeffer was one of the pastors in Germany. He resisted Hitler. He could have stayed in America, escaped in America, but he chose to actually go back while his country was declaring war on the world and started an underground seminary and resist the Nazis. And,  –, he suffered for that and ended up dying for that cause. And this is what he said about forgiveness. In a word, live together in the forgiveness of your sins. For without it, no human fellowship, least of all a marriage can survive. So we started this underground seminary, and he wrote a book about Christian community called Life Together. And you would think, hey, all these guys are on the same team. They're all wannabe pastors, and they're in an underground seminary. You think of these guys as holding hands and singing praise songs together every day. And he's actually like, we needed to work hard to live in forgiveness. And he's just pointing out, guys, this is what we depend on, the forgiveness of our sins. We live in this, and without this, no human relationships are impossible. Without this. Can a marriage get better? Not worse. Um, we need this in marriage. We need this in relationships. And he says this. He goes on to say, don't insist on your rights. Don't blame each other. Don't judge or condemn each other. Don't find fault with each other, but accept each other as you are and forgive each other every day from the bottom of your hearts. This is the kind of stuff that he said to people in the Christian community. Amidst the stress of running an illegal seminary in wartime. He's like, guys, let's stack hands on us. Let's stack hands on forgiving each other, all of us, every day from the bottom of our hearts. Season five of the TV series Fargo. Okay, it was a dark. I'm a Coen Brothers fan, and their kind of worldview, the Coen brothers that were behind this,  –, series somewhat, but their worldview is like life can get chaotic and dark like so quick, and they have a dark outlook on life. And it was a tough season to watch because there's domestic violence, there's just evil, there's vindictiveness, and there's a character that's no longer human. He's actually from hundreds of years before, and he he's what's known as a sin eater. This is like it's a secular show, but he's like he is eating the sins of others fed on them. He's an agent of vengeance. He's an agent of revenge. And this character, his name's Ole Munch. He speaks of himself in the third person in this last final scene, and he shows up to the family of one of the victims of domestic violence, this woman named Dot, who's been horribly abused and horribly attacked by her first husband, she had to escape with her life. She'd been beat up and been assaulted. She had suffered so much that the whole series. And he shows up now,  –, she's she had been happily remarried and her lovely daughter. And you're like, is this man who's not a man anymore, a monster? Is he going to exact revenge somehow? And he speaks of a debt that needs to be repaid. And he says, I ate the sins of the rich greed, envy, disgust. But he ate them all because he was starving. He speaking of himself, this man does not sleep or grow old. He cannot die. He has no dreams. All that is left in sin, all that is left is sin. He's basically saying I'm a monster. I have been deformed by the sin of others. I have no dreams, I cannot die, I live for vengeance. And you're wondering is all is hell going to break loose in this beautiful household? And he speaks of a debt that needs to be repaid. And then these are the last words of the show. Dot goes, it feels like that. I know what they do to us. What they make us swallow. As if it's our fault. And she looks at him with compassion. She knows he suffered too. And he lives with this curse because of what? He's the way he's been sinned against. And it's deformed. Him. He's mangled. He's marred. And then she says this. This is the last line of, like, a ten episode, very dark show. You want to know the cure? You got to eat something made with love and joy and be forgiven. And they as a family, they welcomed him. Who's this freakish monster? They had made homemade biscuits with honey and buttermilk. And so she says, you've got to eat something made with love and joy and be forgiven. And she gives the former man, who's now a monster, a biscuit. And the last shot is a close up of his face. And he takes a bite of the biscuit and he smiles. And that's the end. And what it means is being forgiven. It broke the curse. And receiving a taste of love and forgiveness and joy. It broke the curse. What rescued him from the hell he was going to be in eternally was actually tasting forgiveness. And for the first time in the show, he has a genuine. He smiles. God and Jesus invites us to taste forgiveness at his table. God in Jesus invites us to experience the magic of being forgiven. And yes, forgive others. That's what forgiveness is. 

What Forgiveness Is Not: Myths and Misconceptions

What forgiveness is not. I'm going to give you four things. Okay. What? Forgiveness is not. The first thing it's not. It's not restored. Trust that comes over time. Forgiveness doesn't mean immediate trust. And sometimes people will say like, well, if you forgive me, do you immediately trust me again in the same way you did before? Well, actually, trust has to be given over time. Let's say someone was reckless when they borrowed your car and they really hurt it. They damaged it. You forgave them, you paid for it. You could say I forgive you, But also say, like, I'm not going to let you borrow my car for a while. When you demonstrate you're responsible and you're careful and you're considerate, I'll let you borrow it again in the future. But you forgave them, but you're not convinced they haven't earned the trust back yet. And sometimes in relationships where there's been hurt or abuse of some kind. Yes, that's right. To have the goal of restored trust, that's not immediate, but it's over time. So it's forgiveness is not restored trust. 

Forgiveness Is Not Restored Trust

Secondly, it's not the same as reconciliation. Reconciliation requires two people to do their part. All you can do is do your part, which is why Romans twelve says, bless those who persecute you, bless and do not curse. Then repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all, if possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. Why is that there? If possible, so far as it depends on you. You might. You can't do what the other person can only do, as all God requires of you is to do your part. As far as it depends on you. Live at peace with all. It might be the other person doesn't even admit what they did wrong. It might be that they're not willing to forgive. They're like, actually, I'm going to hate you and treat you as an enemy for the rest of my life. And you're like, I was actually coming here to pursue forgiveness. Reconciliation takes two people. And later in the series, we're going to talk about biblical wisdom for reconciliation.  –, church, I, I liked having Josh Bundy's video in there, because to be in a church for any length of time, you will be on the giving and receiving end of some kind of church hurt to be in community. You sometimes will fail others or act in a way that's less than considerate or you're unkind. You will also, in the church, experience mistakes. No, church is perfect. And if it was, you would ruin it. When you showed up, you'd be like, I brought the whole thing down. I, you know, I joined. We need that, grace. Go back to the Bonhoeffer quote. Without this, is there anything possible? Um. Forgiveness. All we can do is do our part. Okay. And that's what God asks us, forgives us, is not third thing. Okay. 

Forgiveness Is Not the Same as Reconciliation

Secondly, it's not the same as reconciliation. Reconciliation requires two people to do their part. All you can do is do your part, which is why Romans twelve says, bless those who persecute you, bless and do not curse. Then repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all, if possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. Why is that there? If possible, so far as it depends on you. You might. You can't do what the other person can only do, as all God requires of you is to do your part. As far as it depends on you. Live at peace with all. It might be the other person doesn't even admit what they did wrong. It might be that they're not willing to forgive. They're like, actually, I'm going to hate you and treat you as an enemy for the rest of my life. And you're like, I was actually coming here to pursue forgiveness. Reconciliation takes two people. And later in the series, we're going to talk about biblical wisdom for reconciliation church, I, I liked having Josh Bundy's video in there, because to be in a church for any length of time, you will be on the giving and receiving end of some kind of church hurt to be in community. You sometimes will fail others or act in a way that's less than considerate or you're unkind. You will also, in the church, experience mistakes. No, church is perfect. And if it was, you would ruin it. When you showed up, you'd be like, I brought the whole thing down. I, you know, I joined. We need that, grace. Go back to the Bonhoeffer quote. Without this, is there anything possible? Um. Forgiveness. All we can do is do our part. Okay. And that's what God asks us, forgives us, is not third thing. Okay. 

Forgiveness Is Not the Same as Reconciliation

Secondly, it's not the same as reconciliation. Reconciliation requires two people to do their part. All you can do is do your part, which is why Romans twelve says, bless those who persecute you, bless and do not curse. Then repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all, if possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. Why is that there? If possible, so far as it depends on you. You might. You can't do what the other person can only do, as all God requires of you is to do your part. As far as it depends on you. Live at peace with all. It might be the other person doesn't even admit what they did wrong. It might be that they're not willing to forgive. They're like, actually, I'm going to hate you and treat you as an enemy for the rest of my life. And you're like, I was actually coming here to pursue forgiveness. Reconciliation takes two people. And later in the series, we're going to talk about biblical wisdom for reconciliation church, I, I liked having Josh Bundy's video in there, because to be in a church for any length of time, you will be on the giving and receiving end of some kind of church hurt to be in community. You sometimes will fail others or act in a way that's less than considerate or you're unkind. You will also, in the church, experience mistakes. No, church is perfect. And if it was, you would ruin it. When you showed up, you'd be like, I brought the whole thing down. I, you know, I joined. We need that, grace. Go back to the Bonhoeffer quote. Without this, is there anything possible? Forgiveness. All we can do is do our part. Okay. And that's what God asks us. 

Forgiveness Is Not Ignoring Consequences or Abandoning Justice
 

Third thing is forgiveness is not ignoring consequences or abandoning justice. Some of the things that have happened in our country, whether it's been around racial reconciliation and racial justice or if it's around MeToo, sexual trauma and crime and harassment. Sometimes people have openly wondered and online journal journals and online media, if we forgive. Does that mean saying that what people did is okay? No. You can actually forgive and still say there's going to be some consequences. You can actually forgive and still pursue justice, and you actually are clear eyed in the pursuit of justice because you're doing it without the hate and vindictiveness in your heart. So someone steals your car. You could say, I forgive you personally. I'm not going to hate you. But also let the civil authorities and the police and the courts pursue justice. There's going to be some consequences, and you can let justice play out. You can actually pursue justice. So that kind of thing doesn't happen again, but do it with forgiveness in your heart. It doesn't mean ignoring consequences or abandoning justice. God was just and pouring out his holy anger on Jesus on the cross. God wasn't just like, oh, I'm just going to ignore sin. God had sin paid for. And so God's justice is satisfied and also his mercy is is displayed. So no, forgiveness is not abandoning justice or ignoring consequences.

Forgiveness Is Not Minimizing Sin
 

Forgiveness is not. It's not minimizing sin. It's not silence. It's not pretending it didn't happen. It's not minimizing it. Sometimes when someone does something like, oh, hey, I'm really sorry about that. What a common thing to say is to say it's okay. And there's one way I like that because it's saying, hey, you and I are okay. It's okay. I'm over it. I'm bearing with it. I'm bearing with you and love. You're bearing with me in love. It's all good. Another part of me wants to say. It's better to say I forgive you. Because you don't have to pretend that what happened was okay. What happened might be the very opposite of okay. It might have been really serious. And this is why the words I forgive you are there more rarely said than it's okay or hey, that was nothing, or we'll just get past it because it's more vulnerable. To say I forgive you is acknowledging, hey, something happened here that was serious. C.S. Lewis has this quote about this and how forgiveness doesn't mean minimizing sin. He says real forgiveness means looking steadily at the sin, the sin that is left over without any excuses. After all allowances have been made, and seeing it in all its horror, dirt, meanness and malice, like seeing it for what it is. Look how ugly it is. And nevertheless forgiving. Nevertheless being wholly reconciled to the man who has done it, that's forgiveness. This is why in Luke seventeen, listen to the balance of this. Luke seventeen Jesus Christ says, pay attention to yourselves, which means like, watch your heart. What warning lights are on the dashboard of your heart? Pay attention to yourselves. If your brother sins, rebuke him. If he repents, forgive him. And if he sins against you seven times in the day, he turns to you seven times, saying, I repent. You must forgive him. So an on calling called to forgive. But he says, speak the truth. Rebuke means, hey, stop that!  –, being in the church should be like, remember the not remember like the home security warnings. If you see something, say something. Not every little tiny thing, but in our culture, I find that we ought to, out of love, speak out more. He says, if your brother sins, rebuke him. Hey, that's actually not good to. That might be an unkind thing that you're sharing about that other person. That might be. You probably shouldn't say that. That's saying, hey, that's actually wrong to do. That's actually saying, hey, acting the way you're acting, whether it's in,  –, greed, unkind words, lashing out somehow, you're like, hey, out of love for you and other people you affect and for God. You just say, I love you. Stop that. It's a way to figure out, speak frankly. If your brother sins, rebuke him. Say the truth. Forgiveness doesn't mean minimizing sin.

There's a show on Hulu called The Bear who,  –, the main character, calm, is the little brother who is known as, like, his big brother who ran a sandwich shop in Chicago, gets in a dark spot, commits suicide, and his little brother, who's a famous chef, has to go back to Chicago with his dysfunctional family and run the sandwich shop and maybe start a restaurant. And there's a scene in season four of the show, um, and that I think the show is fascinating because it shows real family dysfunction and brokenness. And yet over the seasons, people are making these redemptive moves. And Jamie Lee Curtis plays Kham's mom, Donna, and she's an alcoholic. She's a yeller. She's a screamer. She was abusive to her kids. And this scene in season four became famous for the level it impacted people. Because there's a scene where Donna initiates a conversation with her son and just Owens seeks to own fully the impact of her life and her choices and what she's done. And it's like the scene has become super powerful for people, to the point where, like, people wrote articles about it and commented on it and it's replayed endlessly on YouTube. And I'll just set up the scene for you and read some of you. Read some of the quotes. Calm comes by. He doesn't want to see his mom, and he's been distant from his mom and he doesn't. He's obviously not close with his mom. And she asks him to come in and she initiates this conversation. And she said, like, there's some things I want to say to you. And she admits that she felt lost, alone, sad, angry. Agree. And she says straight out, I was awful to my kids, my family. I did drink, I did scream, I lied and I yelled and then and he's like, you don't have to do this, you don't have to do this. And he's like, no, I want to say it. And she starts reading off the things and she says, I'm sorry, written out like twenty five times. I'm so blankety blank. Sorry. And she says, I know. Saying this doesn't make it better. My heart is broken. I know I didn't do anything to look at my own problems. I've been sober for a year, which is not a lot, but it's a start. And I'm trying to be sober and accountable, and I'm trying to apologize, and I'm trying to make things better. And I'm here asking if I can be part of your life again, because I miss you. And I know I never said it enough, but I love you. And I'm so sorry that I didn't say it enough. You can tell Carm doesn't like what's going to happen. And Carm says, I'm sorry I wasn't here. And he means when his brother committed suicide, no one knew what to do. And he's like, I'm sorry. She's like, it wasn't your fault. And then he looks at his mom and says, says this. Hear me, I love you, okay? And then she's like, I need to make something to eat. Let me make you something to eat. And he says, no, no, no, no, let me make you something neat. She's like, no, no, no, I won't. He's like, no, let me make you something to eat and calm. The famous chef gets up and makes this meal for his mom. And the scene ends with her enjoying this meal, which is a taste of the healing magic of forgiveness. The most. Um. This is different places on the internet. I was looking at a YouTube channel yesterday that had fifty thousand views of this scene, and the most liked comment as of yesterday, the most liked comment was a man saying, this is exactly the scene I wish my mom and I could have. And maybe you'll get that with a parent or a family member or someone else who's sinned against you. Maybe not. But forgiveness is not glossing it over. And that's what was powerful about that. The healing when someone repents, the healing that can happen when someone's like, look, I own it. I'm not going to minimize what happened. I'm not going to minimize what I did. I'm not going to minimize what the pain I caused. 

The Transformative Power of Forgiveness in Relationships

Forgiveness is not glossing it over when God forgives our sin. Okay. Think about the cross. I'm going to sing a song about the cross. When we confess our sins to God, we admit the truth. We admit God. We failed to love you. We failed to honor you. We failed to listen to you. We fail to love others. We admit the gravity of what we've done. But we also open ourselves to the magic of grace, the magic of forgiveness. The cross points us to the justice of God. It points us to the costliness of forgiveness. But also the cross of God points us to the grace of God and grace. God sent Jesus. I'm going to invite the worship team to come out and the next steps. I just want to lead us in some silent prayer.  –, what are your next steps? Do business with God. Look upward. What's the invitation of the Lord? What's the calling of God to you? And then move outward towards others. Maybe some of you need to own some things for other people. Maybe you need to say, hey, actually, I know there's this between us. I know I never admitted what I did, and that's like the redemptive work that God's calling you to. Maybe some of you know, you need to know. You need to go tell someone that they're forgiven. You need to extend the forgiveness. There's also inward work, an invitation to look at, like, what's going on in your own heart. What areas are you stiff arming the invitation of Jesus, the calling of Jesus, and resisting what the Holy Spirit of God is calling you to, to extend the grace of God to others, or maybe to receive it for yourself. That's one of my prayers that, like the miracle of forgiveness, would get in your bones in a deeper way. You've experienced the grace and comfort of God.  –, allow me to lead us in prayer. We'll have a brief time of reflection. Then we'll stand and sing. Heavenly father, we thank you for sending Jesus. We pray.  –, Lord, I want to pray for folks that they would hear your voice. And I pray that the forgiveness you offer would be clear. And I pray that the forgiveness you call us to extend to others would be clear. Lord, guide us. Lead us to next steps.  –, that would honor you, that would live out the love with which you have loved us. And that would increase the joy of the world. Lord, would you lead us?